Tired Of This Life
60
I am not upset right now. I am just tired, if that is an emotion then I have this all wrong, I believe it's a state of mind (for me at this specific time). There is little to zero place for any room to be angry or saddened.
I am so tired that I cannot understand anything besides that right now. I know that I should be happy at this moment. The gain I just experienced should be fueling me for the next week, however I felt nothing from my gain of materialist substance in this world in the form of currency.
I don't care at all how much I gain. How much I lose will not matter in the end either. The materialistic possessions mean absolutely nothing to me in a place where they usually bring little to mediocre amount of comfort and security.
I do not feel, I know inside my head that I am very tired. I don't know what I am tired from. This feels like nothingness. To describe it would take all the words and some borrowed from other languages to get close to what I am going through.
Everything that we work for in this life is money and Love I suppose. I feel that I had a second chance at Love, now it's as if I am left without emotion towards the end of this day. Now that she is driving home, I feel nothing. The last few minutes I was angry, then upset at myself when I closed the door and walked away. In a minute I was ashamed.
Then out of nowhere there is nothing. I can't feel the anger or the distress caused inside of me. It might be this life or the way that I am going through it. I am so tired of not feeling anything, just a smile or a tear would do.
My eyes do not moisten when most men will cry. My fears are nowhere to be found, even if they were to save me from what I should fear. I cannot smile at the happiest moment, the funniest scene from a movie seems dull and planned out.
I know that I am only human, that I should feel the cold wind blowing through me on this night. Yet there is nothing but the sound of leaves brushing against each other with the blows of the fall winds.
I stand alone on the street looking from the paved roads up until the dimly lit sky, seeing nothing in between.
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wow the pain you feel. I can feel it. You are good at describing how you feel you draw me in, Your numb now, it does go away. the pain is bad now but your writing will help.
I voted up and beautiful.
Seek-n-Find Level 5 Commenter 6 months ago
Wow--thanks for being so authentic and raw. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this sort of pain. But I will say that it is sometimes in those moments of discontent with the way things are, that we can become motivated to find something more. There is more--there is something deep and rich in this life. If you seek it, you will find it. The numbness is a normal part of dealing with the pain--its a defense mechanism I know well. I was numb for years! I've gone through much loss, suffering, pain, and problems in my own life but I did not give up in the darkest times and I sought for something that had substance and existed beyond the material nothingness you described. It is out there. It is near.